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Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
11:25 pm
one song
glory
one song
before i go
glory
one song to leave behind

find glory
beyond the cheap colored lights
one song
before the sun sets
glory
on another empty life
time flies
time dies
glory
one blaze of
glory
find
glory
in a song that rings true
truth like a blazing fire
an eternal flame
find one song
a song about love

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Saturday, June 16th, 2001
3:01 am
i want to... but i cant.... i dont even have the strength to.

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Thursday, June 7th, 2001
12:42 am
"guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never could afford
the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside her"

describes me way too well...
im never gonna break the glass.
but in the song love comes to her, but it wont come to me. some think its my choice, but im not in control here. i lost control a while ago.

"i'm always closing my eyes and wishing i'm fine
even though i know i'm not this time"

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Saturday, June 2nd, 2001
1:52 am
if i close my eyes and wish really really hard.... maybe when i wake up things will be different. yeah right

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Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
12:59 am - rambles...
this is harder than i thought it would be. i never imagined myself thinking this a year ago... but i wish i was back at school. home is sucking the life out of me right now. i cant handle this. i cant handle being alone right now. i need someone here... i wish there was something i can do about it but i cant. thats the worst part. everyone is so far away, and i better get used to this because summer has just begun. home isnt the same anymore without tar and chris around... its weird. i just dont even want to get out of bed in the morning. facing each day is getting harder, especially knowing that im going to have to face each day alone. i left california knowing that i was going to have to go home to nothing.. but its hard being with people who you care about every waking moment and even sleeping moment for almost 2 weeks and go home to being alone. i just want someone to hug me and mean it. i want to know that someone here cares about me, and have it go beyond the superficial level. its really hard for me to face the prospect of waking up to this realization for 3 more months. i mean... its only been two weeks. but i guess i dont have a choice. i have to deal with this. i have to suck it up and stop complaining. i hate crying myself to sleep every night. i want out.

current mood: lonely

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Monday, May 28th, 2001
11:11 pm
i hate it here... i want out....

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Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
1:44 am
i dont even know what to say. i dont think i have anything to say. dont know what the immediate future is gonna bring. dont know if i want to know. i just want out.

current mood: pensive

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Sunday, May 13th, 2001
10:10 pm
its been a while since ive posted anything. my life has gone out of control the past couple weeks, and i guess that ended when i got home yesterday. so ends another chapter in my book of life. im pretty sad about this one ending. i guess i realized toward the end how lucky i was having made such good friends this semester. im really sad that it had to come to an end, especially cause i dont have any idea what this summer is going to bring. i imagine now that it will bring alot of lonely nights of me sitting in my room with nothing to do. i just left school yesterday, and i want to go back, it was just starting to feel like home. i dont think it would be as bad if i knew there were going to be people around, but there really isnt anyone. even just writing this and thinking about it is enough to make me really sad. i wish i knew what was going to happen this summer and next year, whether things were going to remain the same or revert back to whatever they were before. i cant even say what the difference is.. just that things were different. at home and at school. my life was different this semester than it has ever been. i cant say why, but i just felt different. less alone than i have since i left high school. i wanna feel that way now. i wanna feel like someone cares about me. but i dont. i havent even been home for 24 hours, and already i feel like its been a lifetime and this summer is not gonna end. i just want someone to give me a hug and tell me everything is gonna be okay. but they cant. no one can because they arent here. they have their own lifes to worry about that take them places far from me. its my own fault that im stuck in this situation. i just wanna stop feeling that pit in my stomach, and im afraid its gonna stay the whole summer. i wanna not feel like im gonna cry all the time like i did today. i just wanna run away.

current mood: lonely

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Friday, May 4th, 2001
2:27 am
:*( why do i have to deal with this now? too much... overload... one day soon im gonna burst.

current mood: sad

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Monday, April 30th, 2001
2:33 am
as i go to sleep tonite... i wish so hard that i wake up and life is different... that someone else has to deal with my problems and my issues nd i can forget them all... just for a minute. tonite was too much fun and i cant remember when i had such a great night... i cant leave after this. i dont know what im going to do, i love them all so much and i dont know if i can go a summer without everyone with me. its so scary to think of... and it makes me want to cry. less than 2 weeks. time ticks... it flies when you are having fun or when you dread what comes ahead. i dont know what im going to do.

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Sunday, April 29th, 2001
3:40 am
Some thoughts to ponder:

"Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great." Mark Twain

"It is never to late to be what you might have been." George Eliot

"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice." Albert Einstein

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." E.E. Cummings

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." Gilda Radner

"I went to the woods, because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." Henry David Thoreau

"Life is what happens when you are making other plans." John Lennon

"Life will not break your heart. It'll crush it." Henry Rollins

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." Henry David Thoreau

"Men who never get carried away should be." Malcolm Forbes

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart." Confucius

"A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor." Victor Hugo

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Friday, April 27th, 2001
3:42 am
the end of the innocence... how appropriate. just when i think i have it figured out i get a slap in the face. its fitting that it would happen though. just had to. i cant think straight anymore. i cant get my brain to work... to tell me the things its supposed to tell me. all it says is that im wrong. that i dont deserve it and that its gonna be taken away. i dont want that. im really scared im gonna be back to alone. to having nothing. its not that hard to imagine. pretty easy actually... its a feeling i remember so well. i remember it now. its all i can remember, its all im thinking. cant get it out of my head. maybe it is what i deserve and what im destined for. i guess ill just have to learn to deal with it. but its still so scary.

current mood: lonely

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3:25 am
Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And was away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

current mood: blank

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Thursday, April 26th, 2001
3:09 am
Hmm... i am so exhausted. the end of this semester is so near i can almost taste it. but its a bitter sweet ending. I can't remember being so excited about finishing classes and getting rid of this crazy workload and all the stress that comes of it. but... i dont know how much i want to leave. im scared of whats going to come. whats waiting for me at home? nothing really. im scared of losing what i have... what i almost have. and going back to what i dont have anymore. Im scared of coming back here next year and being alone again, of losing what i have. I almost have a sense of security here... its coming and im afraid that the end of this year will come and it will go away. the same thing happened when i came to college, the sense of security that i had was gone and my friends were hundreds of miles away. its the worst feeling in the world when all you need to feel better is a hug and the people who care about you can only talk to you and try and make you feel better on instant messanger or the phone. but it takes away such an important part of whats important to me. i am definitely grateful that i have found a few people who i want to be friends with and im pretty sure want to be friends with me. its a good feeling, finally. i really love these people here. they have made this year a hundred times better than what it was last year. im scared im gonna lose it. i guess its just that things are good now. im almost happy here. i mean... i get lonely sometimes but who doesnt? sometimes i feel alone... but i usually dont feel as lonely. i just dont want to go back to crying myself to sleep.

current mood: discontent

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Wednesday, April 25th, 2001
3:25 pm
cant i just fail out of school now so that i dont have to waste the next two years??? blah:-(

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Tuesday, April 24th, 2001
2:20 am
i feel so uncomfortable with myself right now that i just want to jump out of my skin. i dont know how to tell people how im feeling. i just push it deeper and hope that it goes away. but it doesnt go away and im still waiting. i wish that i could trust people, but im scared of getting hurt. its what happens every time. i dont know how many more times i can... i dont know. each time someone who i trust lets me down... it just pushes me farther and farther away. i wanna be able to let people in... but i dont know how. im sorry:-(

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1:18 am
:(

current mood: lonely

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Friday, April 20th, 2001
2:15 am
I cant do it anymore... i feel so trapped. i feel like im talking and nobody is listening. i know its not true... but thats how i feel. i know im not talking and thats why people arent listening to me. its my own fault. i get that. all i wanna do is run away. i dont know what i want. i cant handle being here.. but i cant be at home either. why cant i make myself happy? why wont i let myself have fun? i dont understand. i wanna go away:-(

current mood: depressed

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Thursday, April 19th, 2001
3:13 am
:::sigh:::... shuddup laura

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2:55 am
i just want this all to be over.... im sick of stress and im sick of no sleep and im sick of complaining about stress and no sleep. im tired and sad and stressed and i just wanna crawl up in a ball somewhere and not come out until all this finals stuff and final papers and other stuff goes away. maybe if i hide long enough... no one will remember all the stuff i was supposed to have done and then everything will be okay. i just wanna run away.... i want one weekend where i can have fun and not feel guilty for having fun. its so draining to be thinking about all this all day long. :-(... this is supposed to be a fun weekend... but it cant be... im so scared im gonna do something stupid and fail my exams next week. im on thin ice as it is.. i dont need to screw up anything else. I wish i could turn my brain off... it doesnt shut up at nite... it doesnt give me one second to rationalize anything.... all it does is keep me stressed with all the things that i go over and over again in my head. its so full of those thoughts that it doesnt allow me to remember the things i have to... like my physics lab that i forgot about ad have to do for tomorrow. i want it to end... i cant get to the bottom... im digging and digging and there is no end in sight.

current mood: drained

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