before i go
one song to leave behind
beyond the cheap colored lights
before the sun sets
on another empty life
one blaze of
in a song that rings true
truth like a blazing fire
an eternal flame
find one song
a song about love
i want to... but i cant.... i dont even have the strength to.
"guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never could afford
the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside her"
describes me way too well...
im never gonna break the glass.
but in the song love comes to her, but it wont come to me. some think its my choice, but im not in control here. i lost control a while ago.
"i'm always closing my eyes and wishing i'm fine
even though i know i'm not this time"
if i close my eyes and wish really really hard.... maybe when i wake up things will be different. yeah right
this is harder than i thought it would be. i never imagined myself thinking this a year ago... but i wish i was back at school. home is sucking the life out of me right now. i cant handle this. i cant handle being alone right now. i need someone here... i wish there was something i can do about it but i cant. thats the worst part. everyone is so far away, and i better get used to this because summer has just begun. home isnt the same anymore without tar and chris around... its weird. i just dont even want to get out of bed in the morning. facing each day is getting harder, especially knowing that im going to have to face each day alone. i left california knowing that i was going to have to go home to nothing.. but its hard being with people who you care about every waking moment and even sleeping moment for almost 2 weeks and go home to being alone. i just want someone to hug me and mean it. i want to know that someone here cares about me, and have it go beyond the superficial level. its really hard for me to face the prospect of waking up to this realization for 3 more months. i mean... its only been two weeks. but i guess i dont have a choice. i have to deal with this. i have to suck it up and stop complaining. i hate crying myself to sleep every night. i want out.
i hate it here... i want out....
i dont even know what to say. i dont think i have anything to say. dont know what the immediate future is gonna bring. dont know if i want to know. i just want out.
its been a while since ive posted anything. my life has gone out of control the past couple weeks, and i guess that ended when i got home yesterday. so ends another chapter in my book of life. im pretty sad about this one ending. i guess i realized toward the end how lucky i was having made such good friends this semester. im really sad that it had to come to an end, especially cause i dont have any idea what this summer is going to bring. i imagine now that it will bring alot of lonely nights of me sitting in my room with nothing to do. i just left school yesterday, and i want to go back, it was just starting to feel like home. i dont think it would be as bad if i knew there were going to be people around, but there really isnt anyone. even just writing this and thinking about it is enough to make me really sad. i wish i knew what was going to happen this summer and next year, whether things were going to remain the same or revert back to whatever they were before. i cant even say what the difference is.. just that things were different. at home and at school. my life was different this semester than it has ever been. i cant say why, but i just felt different. less alone than i have since i left high school. i wanna feel that way now. i wanna feel like someone cares about me. but i dont. i havent even been home for 24 hours, and already i feel like its been a lifetime and this summer is not gonna end. i just want someone to give me a hug and tell me everything is gonna be okay. but they cant. no one can because they arent here. they have their own lifes to worry about that take them places far from me. its my own fault that im stuck in this situation. i just wanna stop feeling that pit in my stomach, and im afraid its gonna stay the whole summer. i wanna not feel like im gonna cry all the time like i did today. i just wanna run away.
:*( why do i have to deal with this now? too much... overload... one day soon im gonna burst.
as i go to sleep tonite... i wish so hard that i wake up and life is different... that someone else has to deal with my problems and my issues nd i can forget them all... just for a minute. tonite was too much fun and i cant remember when i had such a great night... i cant leave after this. i dont know what im going to do, i love them all so much and i dont know if i can go a summer without everyone with me. its so scary to think of... and it makes me want to cry. less than 2 weeks. time ticks... it flies when you are having fun or when you dread what comes ahead. i dont know what im going to do.